Seasons of Change
by Louie0228
Summary: Set after 4x18. Addison and Sam attempt to redfine their relationship and navigate through a world without each other.
1. Kiss and Make Up

**Chapter One: Kiss and Make Up. **

"Are we breaking up?"

His words sent a sharp bitterness darting across her stomach, it was inevitable, that much had become clear but it still knocked the breath from her, it still made tears threaten to fall; it still hurt.

They stood looking at each other, taking each other in as if they were memorising each other, all the parts that until then had been only theirs; their secret world.

"We're breaking up" she managed to whisper as she dropped her head, it was more a statement, a painful realisation than an answer to his question.

She felt his warm, strong arms encircle her as she stood there motionless, his touch sent shivers through her, similar to the way it had in the elevator on the day she returned to work, except this time his touch was more than laced with sadness and regret, this time it was heavy with a sombre tone that they both felt. She let herself give into the mercy of his body and felt the familiar curve of his neck and she laid her head on his shoulder. She closed her eyes tightly and begged the world to stop turning just for a second so she could imagine they were somewhere else. The blackness in front of her eyes accentuated his every movement, his every breath, in that moment she felt as if she was a part of him, as if loneliness had never known her and his strong support would always been there.

Sam breathed deeply; taking her in for what he knew would be the last time. He clenched his jaw as he enjoyed the warmth of her uneven breath on his neck, a feeling that had so often soothed him to sleep in the past few months. He ran his hand down her back and let it rest on her waist, he felt a tight ball form in his chest as the horrible familiarity of wanting her spread through him. Before they were together he'd spent hours imagining moments with her; never this one.

"I'm sorry" Sam's voice was deep and sincere "I'm sorry I couldn't give you an answer"

"No, I'm sorry Sam, I'm sorry I couldn't wait" her voice was small and already seemed far away as she tightened her grip on him for a second before pulling away, she changed her mind at the last second and took his hand, not yet ready to relinquish all contact between them. To onlookers they could easily be mistaken for a couple enjoying a romantic moment under the setting LA sun but on closer inspection the tears running down Addison's face told a very different story.

"Finally" Amelia's voice was bright and still full of youthful enthusiasm "I was beginning to think you two were never going to kiss and make up" she smiled as she put her bag down on Addison's patio table and began to walk towards her friends.

"I should go," Sam said quickly, not wanting to share his raw emotion with anyone "bye Addison"

In a second he was gone, back to his own house, back to being her neighbour.

"Addie?" Ameila's voice was full of confusion as she watched Sam disappear behind the wall. Her confusion began to fade as she saw Addison's red eyes and her tear stained cheeks. Her friend didn't need to say anything, her face said it all "Oh Addie" Amelia sighed as she pulled her friend into a tight hug.


	2. Remnants of You

Chapter Two: **Remnants of You.**

"Morning" Charlotte beamed as Addison walked into the kitchen at the practice.

Addison had been hoping her early morning arrival would prevent her from having to talk to anyone but it seemed Charlotte was the only person in LA that had woken up earlier than her.

"Here…." Charlotte began as she thumbed through a neat pile of yellow envelopes "is your and Sam's invitation to the wedding" Charlotte handed it over with a sense of pride and achievement, unable to hide the joy in her face.

"Thanks" said Addison, trying to disguise the effects of the blow Charlotte had unknowingly thrown her way.

"Well I didn't think there was any point posting them seeing as I get to see you at work every day" Charlotte responded, obviously oblivious to Addison's feelings, before picking up her freshly made coffee and wedding invitations and turning on her heel and heading out of the door, a spring in her step.

Addison pushed the envelope into her bag, out of sight out of mind, she knew it was Charlotte and Cooper's big day and they were excited about it and she was happy for them, she really was, she just couldn't face the perfect silver handwriting on the front of the envelope, Sam and Addison; there was no Sam and Addison.

After pouring herself a cup of coffee Addison headed for the security of her office.

"Addie" Amelia's voice floated down the corridor quickly followed by its svelte owner.

Apparently she and Charlotte weren't the only early risers in LA!

"Morning Amelia" Addison responded, trying to make her voice as chirpy and natural as possible in order to cover the already mounting pain she knew the day would bring.

"You left early this morning" Amelia stated with concern, her voice indicating she expected an answer from her friend.

"I couldn't sleep" Addison replied simply "I went for a walk and then came to the office. Is there something you want Amelia? I've got a busy day"

"Addison, you can't just pretend things can go back to normal" Amelia persisted, undeterred by Addison's attempt to brush her off – she was too used the red head pulling the 'busy doctor' card on her, she just ignored it now.

"I'm not pretending Amelia, the practice is still the same place it always was, my job is the same as it always was and so is yours" Addison retorted in an attempt to end the conversation.

"How can it be the same Addie, you and Sam.. you…" Amelia began to say, in the hope she could make her friend see some sense.

"There is no me and Sam Amelia, there was but now there's not but we still have to work together and that is what I'm trying to do here; work" Addison's final attempt to rid her office of Amelia proved successful as the young neurosurgeon, realising she wasn't going to get anywhere with the Queen of 'everything is fine', sighed and headed for the door.

"Avoidance isn't the answer Addie" Amelia's final words hung in the air long after she had exited and shut the door behind her.

Addison felt a sense of relief as she sat alone in her quiet office. She wasn't avoiding anything, last night she had Sam had broken up, gone their separate ways but today they were colleagues, partners in the practice and they had no choice but to come to work and do what they did best; save other people's lives.

* * *

><p>"Morning Sam" Cooper smiled as Sam entered the kitchen in search of his first coffee of the morning. He had spent most of the night sat on his deck staring at the ocean, loving its enormity and its ability to swallow his mind in its rhythmic movement. He'd reached for a cup of coffee at home but when he opened the tin he caught the smell of Blue Mountain coffee emanating from its depths. He shoved the lid back on again quickly, as if it were toxic gas making its way up his nose rather than the aroma of expensive coffee. Blue Mountain coffee was one of the few things Addison actually treasured from her childhood, she said it reminded her of Archer sneaking into the kitchen to steal a cup for them to share in the depths of the Montgomery apple orchard. Sam could have thrown it in the bin, replaced it with his own choice of coffee but instead he shoved the tin to the back of the cupboard, grabbed his coat and headed for the practice.<p>

"Morning" Sam managed to make his voice sound jovial and 'normal'.

"Heavy night?" Cooper smiled as he nodded towards the huge mug of coffee Sam was holding.

"Something like that" Sam responded as he headed for the kitchen door and the sanctuary of his office.

"Oh Sam," Cooper called out before Sam had the chance to step into the corridor "Charlotte gave your wedding invitation to Addison, we didn't think there was much point posting it." Cooper's voice was casual but couldn't hide the joy he felt about his impending wedding.

"Great" Sam smiled before diving into his office.

He imagined the invitation in Addison's hand, she will have thanked Charlotte with a smile, shown what would have passed for genuine enthusiasm, her New England upbringing will have made sure of that but he knew how it would have felt like a dagger gently positioned to remind her of the night before. Knowing how she felt and being unable to comfort her left him with a nauseous feeling in the pit of his stomach as he sat at his desk sipping his cheap, flavourless coffee. He foolishly let his mind wander for a second as he felt the softness of her hair run through his fingers, they had been drifting apart since her mother's death and the intimacy they once shared seemed distant and intangible. He grew sad as he realised that one day he'd have only faded memories of her, that what they had would seem like nothing more than an old, sepia tone photograph.

"Sam" Amelia's soft voice entered his office unannounced.

"You really should learn to knock" Sam spat, a little more venom in his voice than he'd intended due to being caught unaware by the only person other than Addison that could probably guess at what he was thinking.

"Sam, you have to speak to her. You're in here looking like you've got history's worst hangover and she's pretending everything is 'fine', which is obviously isn't. You two are made…." Amelia, unused to being allowed so much time and space to talk let her advice and thoughts spill out into Sam's office.

"Amelia don't," Sam's voice was filled with both tiredness and frustration "we're over and that's it. She made her choice and now we both have to get on with our lives. So do you." Sam's words were almost cold and empty.

Amelia, knowing that her friends were doing nothing more than hiding, stood in defeated silence.

"Don't you have patients to see" Sam never broke his gaze on the computer screen as he spoke.

Amelia, without another word, walked slowly away and towards her own office. She walked away with a heavy heart, not only from her friends' grief but also from her own, they were her hope, her belief in love, if they couldn't survive, who could? Once in her office she sought solace in her cushion filled sofa wishing the world would just stay the same for a few seconds so she could get a foothold in its crazy soil.

* * *

><p>"Sam, salmon or lamb?" Cooper enquired as Sam entered the kitchen around lunchtime "which do you think Addison would choose?"<p>

"I don't know, I…" Sam, caught unawares by the question stumbled to answer Cooper's question.

"The wedding caterers are pushing us for the order today and Addison has gone on a house visit" Cooper explained, pen poised over a large jotter already filled with names and Cooper-esque scribbles.

"I…erm…" Sam struggled to give an answer as a fog clouded his mind. He felt eyes on him as the rest of his friends wondered why he couldn't answer a simple question.

"Salmon" Amelia answered, elevating the awkward silence that had fallen across the room "she's hated lamb ever since Nancy served it at her wedding breakfast." She said, hoping to avert attention away for Sam for long enough for him to compose himself and stop looking like a voiceless idiot.

"Geez Sam, you really did have a heavy night" Cooper remarked as he added another detail to his wedding plans.

"Yeah" Sam answered meekly before exiting the kitchen without the sandwich he'd gone to retrieve from the fridge.

As Sam left the room Amelia felt the atmosphere relax and everyone began to chat again, everyone that is but Naomi, her glance, filled with confusion and concern, followed Sam out of the door and down the hall. Amelia felt Naomi about to look at her with a questioning look on her face and so quickly pretended to be engrossed in the patient notes she had in front of her. She was already tired of the tension and awkwardness Sam and Addison's split was causing her but she felt a loyalty toward her friends and she knew they needed to tell people in their own time, once they had come to terms with it themselves.

* * *

><p>Addison placed her keys on her kitchen counter and leant against it, welcoming its solidity and support. Her home visit patient had been more complicated than she'd expected and Addison had admitted her to St Ambrose and promised to go and check up on her tomorrow. She rubbed her forehead as she felt the tension of her day cling to her shoulder blades and restrict her movement. It was days like this she wished she had a 9-5 job that stopped when she locked the door on it; instead she had a job that made her care, that gave her backache and sleepless nights. She kicked off her shoes, grabbed a bottle of wine and a glass and headed for the comfortable silence of her deck. On her way out she noticed the yellow envelope of Charlotte's invitation sticking out of her bag, she looked at it, wishing it would just disappear into the depths of her bag where she didn't have to look at it, where she didn't have to face it and the 'S' that was staring up at her from just above the zip of her bag. Without another thought she put down the bottle of wine and grabbed the envelope and headed to Sam's back garden, her intention was only to slide it through the gap she knew existed under his sliding door. What she didn't expect was to be confronted with a rather forlorn looking Sam sitting in front of an almost full glass of red wine.<p>

"Addison" it was half a statement, half a question.

"I didn't think you'd be in, I was just dropping this invitation off" Addison said quickly, caught off guard by his presence "I thought you'd still be at work."

"I left early" he said simply.

"Me too" she replied before letting her gaze drop to her feet.

Sam silently offered her a glass of red wine, she hadn't seen the second glass of wine at first, if she had she was sure she'd have made a quicker exit; thinking he had company.

"Force of habit" he said, answering her silent question and explaining the extra glass of wine. "come on, we're still neighbours, colleagues, we can have a drink together can't we?" Sam's voice had cheered now, he knew things were over between them but he was still her friend, the best friend he had and he didn't want to lose her completely, partly was enough; more than enough.

Addison, seeing that Sam was making an effort to be amiable and friendly, accepted the glass of wine and took a seat next to him and facing the ocean.

"Charlotte and Cooper are really getting married" Addison said after a long, mutual pause as they sipped their drinks.

"Yeah," Sam smiled, a hint of laughter in his voice. "Cooper's marrying the Ice Queen"

"Cooper's marrying the Ice Queen" Addison repeated, smiling as she thought of how they had all felt so differently about Charlotte King when they had first met her.

"Hey do you remember when she couldn't sleep and Pete tried to…" Sam couldn't finish his sentence as he was often taken by gentle laughing.

"She was in there for days" Addison added, chuckling as she remembered a rather beast like Charlotte asleep on Pete's office.

"A lot has changed since then" Sam said without a thought, he had simply meant that they now all regarded Charlotte as a friend and colleague and that everyone was happy that she and Cooper had managed to sort things out. He took a sip of wine and looked out over the ocean as he realised what he had said and the light atmosphere between them returned to one of pain.

"A lot has changed" Addison agreed as she too looked at the ocean. " I should go" she said after a short silence "it's getting late"

"Addison, I…" Sam wanted to explain that he hadn't meant to spoil the moment, that he hadn't deliberately bought them crashing back down to earth and their miserable reality.

"It's ok Sam," Addison said, trying to sound happy and unaffected by the situation "they're our friends, our life we have to be able to talk about them."

Sam nodded as Addison rose to her feet in order to leave. He stood up at the same time, deciding that he too had stayed outside long enough.

"Good night Addison" he said as they stood on the deck, inches apart.

"Good night Sam" Addison responded as she felt a calmness fall over them.

To show that the air was clear, they both leant in to seal their goodbyes with a friendly hug. There was a moment of awkwardness as their bodies attempted to fall into a moment of intimacy and Sam's lips brushed dangerously closeto hers. Without hesitation they both quickly altered their position and bestowed a fleeting and hurried hug upon each other. They were both aware of what had happened, being just friends was going to be like starting again, training their minds and their bodies to think and act differently, to avoid the unconscious temptation to fall into the things they could only do as a couple, the connecting looks across a crowded room, the secretive and comforting touches at work, the need to be closer to each other than anyone else was permitted to be.


	3. It Never Is

**Chapter Three: It Never Is….**

Addison stared at the smooth white table cloth and admired the way its folds were perfectly aligned, the way they appeared to fall in sync with each other made them look important, composed, regal even. She took yet another large sip of wine in an attempt to find her date's conversation about his life as a bank executive interesting. It wasn't so much his job that was boring, it was his inability to talk about anything but his job that had left her staring into the bottom of two bottles of red wine.

Sensing a lull in the drone of his voice she knew she was expected to show some kind of understanding, some response to his story. She nodded and smiled in his direction before putting the wine glass to her mouth once more. She knew dating again wasn't going to be easy, she was out of practice but she hadn't expected it to be this painful.

"Shall we order dessert?" his voice addressed her directly.

"I should get home," Addison said decisively "I have an early surgery tomorrow" she lied, unable to withstand another half hour of mind numbingly boring conversation, well listening really.

"Sure" he replied, a little dejectedly.

As she sat in the back of the lonely cab Addison couldn't help but let out a deep sigh as she remembered just how stressful and complicated dating was, the anticipation, the preparation and the inevitable disappointment. She thought back to the days of college when dating was more carefree and less tense – she wasn't looking for someone to spend the rest of her life with back then, just a bit of fun, a proverbial roll in the hay. She tried to remember the last successful date she'd been on, she struggled for a moment and then chastised herself for forgetting the date she said she never would – her first date with Sam.

* * *

><p><em>"The spare key is under the pot" Addison shouted as she heard the doorbell ring around the house. Despite being a 'fancy neurosurgeon' Amelia still acted like the young girl she was when Addison met her. Addison turned her attention back to the mirror she was sitting in front of and carefully applied lipstick to her pouted lips. Her peace was short lived as the bell rang again, this time the sound was more prolonged. With a sigh Addison left her bedroom and descended the stairs.<em>

_"Amelia I'm tryi….." Addison said distractedly as she flung the door open. "Sam" she said, taken aback by the neatly dressed figure in front of her. "Why? What are you doing at my front door?"_

_"Don't look too pleased to see me" Sam smiled, secretly happy that he had managed to catch Addison off guard._

_"Of course I'm happy to see you" Addison corrected him, unable to hide a wide smile. "I just wasn't expecting you to be ringing the bell on my front door. When have you ever been to my front door Sam?" she laughed, confused by Sam's behaviour._

_"Since we agreed we were going on our first date" Sam smiled_

_"Sam, I stripped in your living room, I think we're past the formality of the front door, don't you?" Addison said, her voice both humorous and flirtatious._

_"We said we were doing this properly," Sam replied, keeping a straight face "plus, you took your top off not stripped" he added, a grin running across his mouth._

_Addison laughed, when Sam had suggested they go on a 'proper date' she wasn't expecting an actual first date, formality, awkwardness and all._

_"Well, I'll just get my coat then" Addison said, playing along with the scenario Sam had created._

_The restaurant Sam had picked was on the outskirts of town and Addison was glad that they were able to enjoy their evening without having to look over their shoulders. They had both agreed that concealing their relationship for a while was the right idea, they needed time to get used to each other, to get used to being them before they told their friends._

* * *

><p>Addison smiled to herself as she remembered how he'd driven her home and asked if he could call her. He had taken it so seriously and it had been funny but at the same time it had been something they had both been waiting for, after months of hiding and running it had been nice to spend time together being open and honest. She felt a twinge of regret as walked up her driveway, she became acutely aware of what she had lost. She consoled herself with the thought that she and Sam were still friends and it was a testament to their friendship that they had survived.<p>

"Amelia Shepherd I want to speak you right now," Addison shouted in mock annoyance as she entered her dark and empty lounge. She could see from the lights in the deck that Amelia was sat on the lounger facing the sea. She smiled as she kicked off her shoes and headed for the deck. "Charismatic you said. You'll like him Addison, he's interesting you said…" Addison continued as she approached the young neurosurgeon, a playful smile on her face.

"Sam" Addison was taken aback by Sam's presence on the sun lounger next to Amelia's.

"Hi Addison" Sam replied, feeling the awkwardness between them, it was obvious that Addison hadn't expected to find him sitting on her deck. "Who are we talking about" Sam said with a smile.

"Oh no one" Addison replied, embarrassed.

"She's talking about Bob" Amelia informed him with a smile "he's fine once you get to know him Addison, he's….intriguing" Amelia struggled to look for the right word.

"Bob?" Sam questioned with a smile, wanting to be let in on the girl's joke.

"My date" Addison said as she swallowed deeply.

"Oh" was all the reply Sam could manage. He was annoyed at himself for being so naïve, who else could Addison be talking about but someone she had been on a date with. He was more annoyed at himself that it bothered him that she had been on a date at all.

A silence hung between the three of them for a second.

"I have an early surgery" Amelia announced, breaking the silence "I should get some sleep" she said as she rose from the lounger and headed towards the door.

"Mr Shortzer?" Sam enquired.

"Yeah," Amelia answered "it's his big day tomorrow, I want to make sure I'm at my best for it. Wouldn't want to fall asleep in the E.R" Amelia's usual light and jokey tone did nothing to ease the tension she was about to walk away from. "Well, night" Amelia said before turning and heading for the door.

"Night" Addison and Sam both managed to say.

Sam, realising that the tension between him and Addison showed no signs of dissipating took his cue to leave.

"Sam I'm sorry I didn't know you were here I…" Addison desperately wanted to explain that she hadn't intended to splurge the details of her dating life in front of him.

"It's ok Addison, we're not together anymore, you can date who you want" Sam said, his voice unable to hide the falseness of his statement.

"I know Sam but I don't want to make this ha…." Addison began to explain.

"Addison do what you want, you always have" Sam knew he should have walked away, he should have gone back to his own house and dealt with his daemons alone, privately, but instead he spat the words out more furiously that he had intended.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Addison asked, confused and slightly offended.

"You've always been the same Addison, you know what you want and you go after it and damn anyone who stands in your way" the words were tumbling from his mouth now, he couldn't stop them. "You stand there wondering why you are alone Addison? You're alone because the only person you ever put first is yourself, every relationship you've ever been in, every friendship you've ever had you put yourself first it's always about what you want, what you need."

Addison was shocked by the venomous look on Sam's face, she could see the anger seeping from his skin as he tossed harsh words in her direction.

"You're selfish Addison," Sam stated, unable to control himself "you're selfish and you're a coward, things get real and you start looking for a way out" Sam felt the last of his pent up anger fall away as the words left his mouth.

"Selfish," Addison laughed angrily "I spend every day of my life giving other people what they want, a life, a baby, a second chance. I'm not selfish Sam I'm just not scared to say what I want, there's a difference"

"It's about how you say it Addison, how you go after it, who you hurt in the process" Sam retorted unable to let Addison think his comments were hollow and without substance.

"I want a baby Sam I told you, I asked you and you said no and now I'm the bad one for doing the right thing, for avoiding creating yet another relationship based on lies and hurt" Addison defended herself.

A silence fell between them as both of them ran out of energy. Sam took a deep breath, she would never see what she'd done to him, the position she'd put him in, she was too wrapped up in her own life to realise what he was going through.

"I never said no" he said simply before turning and heading back to his own house, leaving Addison with only a stinging heart and the crashing waves.

* * *

><p>"So," Amelia said through a mouthful of cereal "are you seeing Bob again?"<p>

"No I'm not," Addison said as she lowered the paper she was reading "and I don't need you to set me up with anymore dates either"

"Ok," Amelia said rolling her eyes "geez Addison, you do remember dating, right? Painful, disappointing, regretful"

"Yes I know what dating is like thank you," Addison replied unenthused by Amelia's sarcasm "I'd just rather find my own painful dates from now on thanks"

"Fine" Amelia said putting another spoonful of cereal into her mouth. She had hoped giving Addison and Sam time to talk the night before would have enabled them to heal some of the wounds their break up had created but it seems that they had only opened new ones.

"Have you decided what you're wearing to the wedding?" Amelia asked, hoping a change of subject would pull her friend out of the negative mood she was in.

"I haven't thought yet" Addison replied not looking up from the paper she had continued to read.

"Addison you do realise Cooper and Charlotte are getting married tomorrow?" Amelia said "as in tomorrow the day after today."

"I know when they're getting married," Addison replied still behind her paper "I'll get a dress later today".

Amelia stared at her friend, well at the back page of the paper she was holding, Addison uninterested in buying a new dress? Something really was wrong.

* * *

><p>"Sam, just the person I need to see," Violet's perky voice caught Sam as he entered the kitchen at Oceanside Wellness. "the wedding tomorrow, Cooper's friend from med school has replied at the last minute, he didn't think he'd be able to come but his flight got cancelled," Violet explained quickly, realising she was relaying unimportant information "anyway, would you mind if he sat by you? He doesn't know anyone and Cooper thinks it would be weird, you know being at a wedding alone and…."<p>

"Sure" Sam said simply as he grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl that was positioned on the counter in front of them.

"Are you sure, I mean do you want to ask Addison, you two wouldn't be able to sit together if he sits by you because…." Violet went on to explain, making Sam fully aware of the situation.

"I said it's fine" Sam replied, his voice monotone and emotionless.

"Are you sure you don't want to check, I'm sure I'd be mad at Pete if he decided to sit next to someone else at our friends' wedding…."Violet went on.

"It's fine" Sam repeated, unable to disguise his annoyance. "Addison and I have split up" Sam added, unable to listen to Violet talk about Addison any longer.

"What?" Violet asked, her voice lowering as the excitement left it "Sam are you ok, I…." Violet began to say as she moved closer to Sam, wanting to comfort her friend.

"Leave it Violet" Sam said backing away "tell Cooper I'll sit by his friend."

Violet stared after Sam as he left the kitchen and headed back to his office. Thoughts raced through her head as she considered the implication, Naomi, the practice. She didn't know whether to feel concerned that her friends were hurting or annoyed that they were willing to throw away something they had risked so much for.

"Hey, still trying to sort out the seating for Cooper's wedding" Pete asked breezily as he entered the kitchen and headed towards the fridge.

"Sam and Addison have split up" Violet said simply, her thoughts making her sound as if she were in a dreamlike state.

"Oh" Pete said, his voice devoid of surprise.

"Did you know?" Violet asked, picking up on the tone of his voice.

"No" answered Pete truthfully.

"Well you don't sound very surprised" Violet's words were almost an accusation.

"Well I suppose I'm not really," Pete replied as he placed tomato onto the bread he had buttered "Addison was too in love with him for it to ever work. I wanted it to, for them I wanted it to, but I always knew she'd find it hard; I knew it would be too real for her"

"You think she cheated?" Violet said moving closer to Pete, a gossip loving smile on her face.

"No" Pete said decisively, ignoring his wife's love of gossip "she loved him too much, she wouldn't have done that to him"

"Then what?" Violet felt Pete was holding something back from her, she felt excluded and part of her didn't like that Pete knew Addison so instinctively.

"That is the unmistakable face of a gossip Violet Turner," Naomi smiled as she walked into the room "let me in on it, I could do with some gossip after the morning I've had."

"Oh we're just talking about the wedding" Pete interjected, not giving his wife a chance to speak "Cooper has something planned that Violet thinks I would know about, why I would be privy to Cooper's plan I don't know" Pete said, shooting a warning glance at Violet in order to make sure she kept her mouth firmly shut about Addison and Sam. He was pretty sure from her manner that Naomi didn't know what had happened and he knew it wasn't their place to tell her either, Sam and Addison would tell her in their own time.

* * *

><p>"Knock knock" Pete smiled at Addison's office door.<p>

"Hi Pete" Addison smiled falsely from behind her computer "is it about a patient because I'm kind of busy with…"

"I'm sorry to hear about you and Sam" Pete said directly as he entered the room and closed the door behind him.

"Oh," Addison said putting her pen down and turning to face Pete, who was now sitting in the chair on the other side of her desk "news does travel fast around here."

"Sam told Violet this morning," Pete explained, sympathising with Addison as she felt the full force of working, living and loving in a small office. "Are you ok?" he asked, genuinely wanting to comfort the woman he had shared so much with.

"I'm fine," Addison exhaled, knowing she could be open with Pete "we should never have pushed in the first place, it was always wrong."

"You loved him Addison" Pete reminded the red-head, not wanting her to regret what she had done.

"I love him" Addison replied, "I still love him but we don't want the same things" there was a resigned sadness in Addison's voice that Pete didn't recognise.

"Such as?" Pete asked, knowing he had the privilege to be open and frank with Addison, knowing she needed him to be.

"A baby" Addison said simply.

"Ah" Pete replied, seeing where the problem lay, he always knew Addison would want to be a mother someday, the way she took to Lucas showed him that.

There was a pause between the two of them that acknowledged the difficulty and hopelessness of the situation Addison was in.

"I am selfish?" Addison's words were direct and raw, as if she knew she needed to know the answer but didn't want to hear it.

"Sometimes" Pete replied truthfully, knowing Addison was searching herself for something, knowing that she needed an honest answer from someone who knew her from the outside in.

Addison nodded as if she expected his answer, as if she knew that she had an ugly truth to face.

"Sometimes you're so scared of getting hurt that you deny anyone the chance to get close enough to hurt you, you push them away to spare yourself the pain." Pete explained, wanting Addison to understand what it was like to love her.

"Ok" Addison replied as she digested what Pete had said.

"Ok" Pete repeated as he pushed himself off the chair and headed to the door. He knew Addison had things to mull over, she was on some kind of self-discovery, she was in the process of learning something about herself.

"Addison, you're also kind and loving and supportive" Pete said from the open doorway "you just need to get the balance right. You need to talk about how you feel, being in a relationship with you can sometimes feel like being in a relationship alone."

* * *

><p>"So I take it everyone knows about you and Sam now" Amelia appeared at Addison's side as they watch Charlotte and Cooper enjoy their first dance together as a married couple.<p>

"Only Pete and Violet know" Addison corrected her "and that's the way it has to stay until we tell Naomi" Addison warned.

"My lips are sealed," Amelia promised "moping around like two divorcees at a wedding isn't doing anything to conceal your secret though" Amelia warned before taking another sip from her drink.

"I'm not moping" Addison protested as she straightened her shoulders in an attempt to look bright and interested in the wedding going on around her.

"Not much," Amelia grinned "the two of you have spent the entire evening pretending not to look at each other from across the room. You two should just talk, you still love him right?"

"It's not that simple Amelia," Addison's voice treated Amelia like a young school girl inexperienced in life.

"It never is Addie." Amelia replied shrugging off Addison's patronising tone before walking away in search of someone to share a dance with.


	4. Against the Odds

**Chapter Four: Against the Odds.**

"Ok Doctor Montgomery, all done," Dr Vermesh smiled as he returned to his desk to fill out some paperwork.

Addison, smoothing her dress and slipping back into her shoes, followed Dr Vermesh and took a seat at the side of his desk.

"Well, as far as I can see there should be no problem as far as carrying a baby is concerned," he smiled as he looked at Addison "however, getting pregnant could be a little trickier, your test results do indicate low fertility….."

"but not infertility" Addison interjected.

"No," Dr Vermesh continued "not infertility but you have to be prepared Doctor Montgomery, this may not be easy."

Addison couldn't help but laugh as she thought about how true Dr Vermesh's words already were – nothing about this had been easy.

"I suggest we start at the beginning and you and your partner try to conceive naturally and if that doesn't work we'll discuss the other options" Dr Vermesh explained as he turned to face Addison.

"I…erm…don't have a partner" Addison explained, feeling embarrassed.

"Ah…" Doctor Vermesh returned Addison's embarrassed look as he realised he'd taken for granted that his patient was in a relationship. "'I'm sorry so you'll er..be looking for..."

"For a sperm donor, yes" Addison smiled as she completed the doctor's sentence for him.

"Ok, well that's not a problem," Doctor Vermesh said as he recovered from the awkward moment he'd created "we have a database of donors that you can look at. I'll get a copy ready for you at the front desk"

"Thank you" Addison smiled as she felt things slowly move into place, she was really doing this; she was going to have a baby.

"You're welcome Doctor Montgomery and please, don't hesitate to call should you have any questions" Doctor Vermesh finished as he stood up to show Addison to the door.

* * *

><p>"What about this one," Amelia said she pushed a piece of paper towards Addison "says he's a lawyer, could be rich"<p>

"Amelia," Addison scorned from the other side of the table "how much money he earns has nothing to do with it, I'm not actually going to meet him"

"No, you're not but one day your kid might and well, may as well have a dad with money than…." Amelia began to justify her thinking.

"Amelia, no" Addison said simply, knowing that Amelia wasn't taking it seriously. They had been sifting through the database of donors for hours and she still wasn't really sure what she was looking for – how could she possibly pick the father of her child from a catalogue.

"This one looks a bit like Sam" Amelia said as she held the book up in order to get a better look at the page in the light.

Addison, tiring of Amelia's comments but unable to resist looking at the picture, took the book from her friend and looked at the picture before her.

"It looks nothing like Sam" Addison said and she pushed the book back to Amelia "I don't want my child to look like Sam anyway" she retorted.

"Yeah right" Amelia scoffed under her breath.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Addison said, her patience wearing thin.

"Come on Addie, don't pretend that any one of these men are anything other than second best" Amelia explained herself.

"This is nothing to do with Sam, this is something _I'm_ doing, something for me, something that _I_ want" Addison replied as Amelia's words cut deeper than she'd expected. Of course this was second best, of course flicking through pages of anonymous faces was second to wondering if her baby would have Sam's eyes, his smooth skin, his smile. She inhaled deeply in order to compose herself, their baby wasn't a possibility, it wasn't even something she should be thinking about, dreaming about.

"I'm going to have a bath" Addison said as she pushed the papers away from herself and headed inside. She didn't have the strength to fight her feelings for Sam and look into the face of her child's father at the same time, she had to find a way to separate the two.

* * *

><p>As she lay in the bath, Addison couldn't stop thinking about how different her life was from what she'd imagined as a girl. She knew she should just consider what she had as different, as unexpected but deep down she couldn't escape the thought that everything had gone wrong. Her baby was always meant to have a father that loved it and loved her, a family. Yet here she was picking faces from a catalogue and preparing to raise a child alone. She took a breath and submerged herself under the warming water, hoping that it would provide some kind of cleansing clarity. She let the warm water swirl above her as she tried to tell herself things were just different and that she could do this, she could have a baby alone.<p>

Addison folded her robe around herself and headed downstairs to indulge in one last glass of wine before going to bed.

"Addison," Amelia's surprised and awkward voice greeted her from the deck "I thought you'd gone to bed"

Addison's eyes were immediately drawn to the cause of Amelia's awkwardness.

"Sorry, I'll go…." Sam said as he stood to leave.

"No stay" Addison stated, unable to control the words that left her mouth. She knew she should have told him to go, she should have listened to her head but she was tired and her heart overpowered every ounce of reason she possessed.

Slightly shocked by the red-head's response, Sam slowly lowered himself back into the chair beside Amelia "thanks" he replied quietly, unsure of Addison's reaction. He turned back to Amelia and the files they had been looking over.

"So you think we can do both surgeries at the same time?" Amelia continued, secretly pleased by Addison's unexpected response.

"It will be risky," Sam replied "but I don't see that we have any other chance, it she wants time with her son then both surgeries are the only way."

"Tracy Kellor?" Addison asked as she joined Amelia and Sam at the table.

"Yeah" Amelia replied "we're operating on her tomorrow and I just hope we can…." Amelia inhaled deeply, knowing that Addison would know what she meant, they had all been working with Tracy for over two years and this was the end of a very long journey for her, a chance, her only chance of completing the journey and living to love the child Addison and Naomi had helped her to conceive and deliver.

"All we can do is our best Amelia," Sam reassured the emotional young surgeon "and Tracy knows that"

"I know" Amelia sighed resignedly "I just wish we could tell her that she'll be able to see her son again, that we could…."

"Sam's right Amelia," Addison interjected, seeing her friend going through the same emotions they'd all encountered at some point in their careers. Wanting to do more than offer a chance, wanting to say more than 'we'll do our best' but this was the dark side of medicine, this was the side of medicine that, despite world class training, board certifications and Harvard educations, reminded surgeons they were only human, that there was a limit to what they could do, what they could fix.

"Amelia," Sam's deep tones were reassuring as he turned in his chair to face the young surgeon "tomorrow we will do what we can, we'll fight, we'll give Tracy the best chance we can but that is all we can give her; our best, nothing more. There is nothing more."

Amelia felt Sam's words sinking into her, reassuring her "Ok" she replied simply "we'll do our best" she said as she wiped a rogue tear from her cheek. "I'm going to get some sleep" she said softly as she stood up to leave "I'll see you in the morning Sam."

"See you in the morning Amelia" Sam said supportively as he watched Amelia turn around and walk into the house.

Sam let out a deep and exhausted sigh as Amelia disappeared inside.

"We've all had them Sam" Addison said simply "the odds against us"

Sam only nodded in response to Addison's words as the enormity of the surgery dawned on him.

"Amelia is still young, she's brilliant but she's young" Addison expanded, she knew Sam understood her, they'd both been in the situation Amelia was in now, wishing there was more they could do, more they knew and it felt like swimming against the tide, like fighting the odds but she also knew they had all survived, together they had survived and Amelia would survive too because she had them.

"I just….why do we do it Addison? Medicine? I mean the odds are against us every time we enter the O.R. every time we scrub in, every time we say we'll do what we can" Sam's words were laced with both pain and experience.

"We do it because we can," Addison said simply "because every day we're beating more odds, everyday we're learning, everyday we're saving people"

"Maybe not tomorrow," Sam said with a melancholy air as he took the last sip of wine from his glass "maybe tomorrow I'll kill a woman who has spent barely any time with the child she fought so hard for. Maybe tomorrow I won't be good enough."

"Sam," Addison's voice was soft as his name left her mouth slowly and delicately. She left her chair and moved into the one next to him "Sam you are a great doctor, you will be good enough, you're always good enough, sometimes the medicine isn't good enough, the research isn't quick enough but you, you're always good enough." Addison reassured him as she moved closer to him and placed a hand on his arm.

Sam let her words soak into his skin, he closed his eyes and concentrated on the feeling of her fingers on his arm, he could feel the softness of her finger tips against his cool skin, he could feel the fleeting imprint they would leave behind when she moved her hands. He swallowed slowly as he prepared for their departure, for the contact he craved to leave once more. To his surprise, her fingers didn't leave his skin, they simply travelled the length of his arm, causing a tingling and calmness at the same time, and rested on his cheek.

"Sam" Addison whispered as her thumb instinctively began to stroke the soft skin beside his ear.

Sam reluctantly opened his eyes, not wanting reality to invade the perfection he saw behind his eye lids. As he opened his eyes he saw Addison's staring back at him, her face within touching distance of his.

"You're a good doctor Sam" Addison stated as she looked into his eyes, holding his gaze in order to ensure her words reached him.

He wanted to believe it, he wanted to believe that his best was good enough but since they'd split up, since he'd lost her he felt like he was slowly emptying, slowly degrading, as if she had been his strength, his confidence, his reason. He inhaled deeply as the unmistakable scent of her skin danced around his nostrils. There was so much he wanted to say to her, so much he needed to explain but somehow he just couldn't find the words; he'd always relied on her understanding, on the fact she knew him better than anyone else ever had and without her closeness he didn't know how to connect with her, he didn't know how to talk to her without becoming a part of her.

"I'm sorry for what I said Addison, about you being selfish, I…I'm sorry" Sam knew he owed her an apology, an explanation.

"Shhh" Addison replied as she pulled Sam towards her and enveloped him in her arms "not now, it doesn't matter now" she knew they had to talk about it, she had to tell him she understood, that she could be selfish and that she hadn't meant to hurt him but she also had to tell him that none of it changed what she wanted.

Addison felt Sam's body relax as he gave into her embrace and let his head rest on her shoulder and enjoyed the security her arms provided. She desperately wanted to sooth him, to offer him some comfort, the thought of him going home alone and lying awake all night doubting himself filled her with a sorrow she didn't dare think about.

"Stay tonight Sam" Addison's words fell from her mouth with concern for her friend.

"Addison, I can't we….I…" Sam began to object.

"You can sleep in the spare room," Addison said immediately "just don't be alone tonight Sam"

Sam considered the possibility for a moment, the thought of returning to his own darkened house, contemplating the sleepless hours that would crawl into the morning and the dread he would feel as the alarm clock rang out around his empty house. Normally, the thought of sleeping on the other side of her bedroom wall would have driven him mad with frustration but tonight just knowing she was there, just knowing he wasn't alone would be enough to help him through the night.

"Thanks" he said simply "Thanks Addison."


	5. Affinity

**Chapter Five: Affinity**

"Dr Montgomery," Dr Vermesh smiled as he motioned for Addison to step into his office "I hadn't expected to see you again so soon, is everything ok?"

"Everything's fine," Addison smiled "it's just I couldn't wait any longer" Addison continued "I looked at the donors and well, I couldn't wait any longer."

"Of course," Dr Vermesh understood, "please sit down"

Addison sat on the chair that was becoming quickly familiar, she placed the donor details on the desk and pushed them towards Dr Vermesh.

"I didn't really know what I was looking for," Addison said with a nervous smile "but this one, this is the donor I'd like to use."

"Are you sure you've thought about this? Have you discussed it with a friend, with your family?" Dr Vermesh's voice showed concern at Addison's quick decision.

"I've thought of nothing else" Addison said with a nervous smile.

"Well, ok" Dr Vermesh smiled back "I think it's clear you've made up your mind so it only really remains for us to set a time for insemination. We will have to do it at St. Ambrose, just standard procedure you understand"

"I understand" Addison replied, knowing the unwelcome restrictions of the medical profession all too well.

"Well, let me see" Dr Vermesh said turning to his computer "next Tuesday at 4:00pm, how does that suit you?"

"Great" Addison replied with a smile "thank you"

"You're welcome Dr Montgomery"

Addison left the doctor's office with an overwhelming feeling of happiness, all the women she had helped, all the babies she had saved and now, finally, it was her turn.

As she made her way towards her car she felt the world was spinning differently, as if everything had shifted, as if everything had changed. She was woken from her serenity as she heard her phone ringing from the depths of her bag.

"Hi Naomi," she answered

"Addison," Naomi's voice was quiet and solemn "Addison, you need to come to St Ambrose."

"Naomi? What is it?" a thousand thoughts were racing around Addison's mind as Naomi's quiet voice contrasted the busy life that was going on around her and then she remembered "Tracy Kellor? Naomi, is it Tracy? Is she?"

"Addison just get here" Naomi said plainly before hanging up the phone.

* * *

><p>Addison pushed the door of the doctor's lounge open carefully, she had sought anonymity and escape in there many times before and she knew Amelia would be silently willing her to go away.<p>

"Amelia?" Addison said softly as she approached the sobbing lump on the sofa.

"It wasn't good enough Addison, I wasn't good enough" Amelia's voice sounded small and tired as the words tumbled from her mouth.

"No," Addison said she sat beside her friend and placed a hand on her shoulder "no Amelia, you did everything you could, just like you said but Tracy was sick, we knew that, she knew that"

"There could have been more Addison, something I could have done, something I could have done differently, a different time, a different day a…" Amelia voiced her thoughts, her confused mind struggling to achieve any sense of cohesion.

"Amelia, listen to me," Addison said sternly turning Amelia to face her "you're confident, you're bolshy, cocky even but that confidence, that is what makes you good surgeon, that is what makes every cut you make decisive. You believe in yourself and what you do so don't ever second guess yourself Amelia because as soon as you question yourself, doubt yourself, that is when you become a bad surgeon, that is when you become dangerous."

Amelia swallowed her tears and nodded. "I just wanted to save her Addison, just this time, this once I wanted to save her"

"I know" Addison whispered as she took Amelia in her arms and rocked her gently "I know."

"Sorry, I….Amelia are you?..." Charlotte's voice took Addison by surprise, she hadn't noticed her enter the room.

Amelia pulled away from Addison's embrace and faced Charlotte "I'll be right there" she assured her friend.

"Ok," Charlotte smiled softly "I'll wait for you by the nurses' station."

Amelia nodded at Charlotte as she left the room. "I'm going to a meeting with Charlotte, I need…"

"That's a good idea" Addison smiled, knowing that Amelia and Charlotte shared something she would never be in a position to understand, an affinity that existed outside of what she had experienced.

"Thank you," Amelia smiled as she wiped the drying tears from her cheeks "thanks Addison"

"Anytime" Addison smiled, knowing that, despite everything. Amelia would be ok, she was young and strong and she had so many people who cared about her.

"I'll see you back at the house later" Amelia said as she got up to leave.

"Yeah" Addison replied as she turned to watch Amelia leave.

"Oh Addison" Amelia turned around as she reached the door.

"Hmm?" Addison replied

"Sam was pretty cut up about Tracy too, he didn't say anything but he left straight away, said he was going home but his eyes, he looked…. I know you two aren't together anymore but he looked like he needed a friend" Amelia explained, hoping that Addison could see past the mess their relationship had become and offer their friend the support he needed.

"I'll go and see him" Addison said simply "now go, don't keep Charlotte waiting" Addison finished with a smile.

* * *

><p>As she pulled slowly into her drive way Addison noticed that Sam's car wasn't on his drive. She combed her fingers through her hair as she wondered where he was. She looked down at her phone, hoping that she'd missed a call from him, that he'd tried to contact her to tell her where he was. A stinging caught in her chest as she remembered he had no reason to call her; they weren't together anymore. She locked the car and let herself into her house- if she was going to go out into the night to look for him she needed something slightly more comfortable than 4 inch heels to do it in. She picked up the post from the hallway and dropped it onto the kitchen counter alongside her keys as she made her way for the stairs and her bedroom. As she pushed the door open her search came to an abrupt end; there lying forlornly on her bed was Sam.<p> 


	6. Instinctive Comfort

**Chapter Six: Instinctive Comfort**

Addison silently slipped her shoes off and padded softly towards her bed. There had been plenty of times when she had arrived home late after a surgery to find his warm, sleepy body waiting for her, waiting to soothe her and hold her as she fell asleep. Night time was the time she missed him the most, the time she felt most alone. With him the darkness always seemed less deafening, with him the world seemed less scary and she always felt less alone.

"Sam" she whispered as she climbed up onto the bed and kneeled beside him, his back turned to her as he stared into the darkness on the other side of the room.

"She's dead" Sam replied simply.

"I know," Addison whispered back as she placed a tentative hand on his back, she felt a shiver run up her arm as the warmth of his body spread into her fingertips. It seemed a life time ago that she had been allowed to touch him. "I've just come from the hospital."

There was a silence as Sam's breathing became fragmented and Addison searched for the right thing to say.

"It wasn't your fault Sam" she said, breaking the silence that floated in the darkness between them.

"That's what we tell ourselves Addison, every day we tell ourselves that it wasn't our fault, that there was nothing more we could have done but that's just an excuse, there is always more, always something else, there has to be" Sam's words were fuelled with sadness and regret.

Addison exhaled deeply but silently as she stared into the abyss Sam was dangling above – she knew where he was, she'd been there many times herself.

"Our best is all we have Sam, Tracy Kellor died, she isn't the first and she won't be the last – you know that, I know that and we've known it all along," She knew her words sounded harsh and heartless but she knew Sam needed reality, he needed to know that the line between life and death would never get any thicker, any more defined than it was. "it is a split second Sam, a fine line and sometimes we cross it on the right side and sometimes we don't but it never moves and neither do we. You and Amelia did all you could you…."

"Amelia's surgery worked," Sam stated coldly "Amelia saved her and I killed her."

"No, you both tried to save her. Tracy was dying – she knew that and she had come to terms with it Sam, what you did didn't change anything, it didn't change an outcome, it didn't make the difference between life and death," Addison's words came from the heart – she knew Tracy well and she admired her more than any of her other patients. Her acceptance of her disease and of her death was so admirable, as if she understood something she never could. "You're a good man Sam and a good doctor."

Addison felt Sam's breathing become more rugged and hurried as he quickly turned over to face her.

"If I'm so good Addison then why is everything around me broken," Sam's sadness was quickly turning to anger and annoyance as he sat to face Addison on the bed "if I'm such a good doctor then why is my patient dead? If I'm such a good dad then why does my 17 year old daughter have a baby? And If I'm such a good man Addison then why, despite having found the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, am I alone?"

Addison looked away from him and swallowed hard as his last comment cut close to the bone. She felt pulled in every direction and clueless about what to be for him, how to be there. She wanted to be his friend, to comfort him but they were both kidding themselves by believing there was nothing more between them.

"You're not alone Sam" she wanted to say more, to give him more but she knew she'd lost that right the night they'd split up.

"You don't know what loneliness is Addison, you've no idea – you've always got someone, a man, Naomi and now a baby. You have no idea." Sam spat, his words as cold as his dried tears.

"Loneliness is about more than being alone" Addison said simply, her experience speaking for itself.

Sam threw himself down onto the bed as he realised he'd picked a fight at the wrong time – he had no energy left and what is more he didn't want to argue with her, he just wanted to feel her next to him as he slept.

"I'm sorry" he said softly as he stared up at the ceiling.

Addison lay down on her side, putting her head on the pillow next to his. She deliberately observed the distance between their bodies – she needed to be his friend not his almost lover.

"Sam look at me" she demanded softly.

Sam slowly turned onto his side in order to face her. Their faces were closer than they'd been for a long time but both of them knew the boundaries – even if they were slightly blurred by the sadness and darkness.

"You are a good man and a good father," Addison said sincerely "you never left Maya's side, you never forced her to do anything – you were just there and that is what makes you a good Dad Sam; you were there."

"I wasn't there for you" Sam replied, his eyes empty and tired.

"You were," Addison said decisively "you were always there for me, more than you know."

A moment of silence fell between them as Addison's words hung in the thick air, pleading to be explained. The fragile quietness was interrupted by a shrill ringing from Addison's handbag. She quickly scrambled to the end of the bed and clutched at the darkness until she found her bag and unceremoniously upended it onto the bed, scattering several lipsticks, office keys, pieces of paper and thankfully her phone over the duvet.

"Amelia" she smiled as she silenced the phone before putting it to her ear. "Yeah he's here, he's fine. Oh he was just at ours waiting for us to come home" Addison said in to the mouthpiece. "Ok, sure. See you later" Addison said before ending the call and reaching over to out the phone on her bedside table.

"Just Amelia checking you're ok" Addison said casually as she turned away from the bedside table and back to face Sam.

"Is this him?" Sam asked as he stared down at a piece of paper he had picked up from the bed.

Addison, taken by surprise, reached over to take the paper from Sam.

"It is isn't it," Sam said moving the paper away from her clutching hand "this is father of your baby isn't it?"

"Sam, he's just a sperm donor, I haven't decided yet…I haven't…." Addison struggled to explain, she knew she'd have to tell Sam about the insemination at some point but now wasn't the right time.

"Have you done it yet?" Sam said, his voice clinical and emotionless "the insemination, I mean. Are you…? Could you be pregnant?" Sam's voice became more intense as he stared at the picture and then at Addison. He felt a pang of jealousy rip through him at the thought of someone else, another man being inside of her – even if it was just his sperm. He immediately felt excluded from her life, like she was carrying a secret; a child, and he didn't know, she was sat right in front of him and he didn't know. He felt foolish and cheated as he realised the full impact of being separated from her life.

"No," Addison said reassuringly "no Sam, I haven't done it yet."

"But you've got an appointment?" Sam said, it was more of a statement than a question.

"Yes" Addison said slowly, unable to lie to him, knowing that she owed him more than lies and avoidance.

"You're really doing it" Sam said solemnly, as if he never believed it would be a reality.

"I am," Addison said, almost a little guiltily "I want a baby Sam" she affirmed, making sure he knew she was doing it because it was what she wanted not because it was what he didn't.

"When?" Sam asked quickly, not wanting to know but needing to.

"Next Tuesday" Addison replied.

"Ok" Sam replied, deep in thought. He wondered how on earth it had come to this; sitting across from the woman he loved as she told him about the baby she was about to have by a man she'd never met. He thought of all the things he needed to tell her, all the things he needed to explain but he was tired, his mind and his body were tired and he knew he'd left it too long, it had gone too far – in a week she'd be pregnant and what they had would be replaced by something new, something exciting, something he couldn't be a part of.

"Sam, I was going to tell you. I was just waiting for the right time. I haven't told anyone else about the insemination, I wanted you to be the first to know" Addison knew it was little consolation but her words were true – she had wanted him to be the first person to know.

"Thanks" Sam's words came from the heart – he didn't know why it mattered but it did, maybe because neither of them wanted to cause any more pain than was necessary.

"I'm sorry we came to this Sam" Addison couldn't stop the words leaving her mouth, she knew she should have just offered him the spare room and a hot bath but she needed him to know, to know all the things she hadn't had the chance to say. "I'm sorry I let us get this far without telling you what I wanted – I've always wanted a baby, all along, all my life and I should have been truthful about that before we got together – truthful with you and with myself."

"You can't keep running ahead Addison we got together and it was what we wanted but nothing stays the same, feelings don't stay the same." Sam replied, hoping to ease some of Addison's guilt. Deep down he couldn't blame her for chasing after what she wanted – it was what he had done when he chased her.

"What you said, about me being selfish – you were right," Addison continued as her conversation with Pete rang around her mind. "I wish I'd let you in sooner, shown you more of me, been brave enough to let you get closer but…."

"Addison you were everything I chased, whatever happens in the future the past will always be ours" Sam said as he moved closer to Addison and ran his hand down her arm.

"I'm sorry Sam" Addison said once more as she realised what she'd broken. Naomi's words rang through her head – it got real and she ran but that didn't matter now because she'd made her choice and she had to stick by it.

"I still love you" Sam said quickly as he rested his forehead against hers.

"Don't" Addison said breathlessly as she felt his smooth skin against hers. She closed her eyes and searched for the resolve she knew she needed as his lips hung tantalizingly close to hers.

"I just need you to know," Sam continued "I can't let you go without making sure you know, no matter what happens I am still in love with you."

Addison felt his words penetrate her resolve as she clenched her fists in an attempt focus her mind.

"I love you too" she failed as her heart over powered her mind.

Addison felt her lips tremble as Sam's made soft contact with hers his kiss was slow and soft at first as his lips barely made contact with hers. She knew she shouldn't kiss him back – it wasn't her place to anymore but his familiar taste invaded her tongue and made it impossible for her to resist. As Sam felt her respond he deepened their kiss and moved his hands to her waist as he pushed her backwards onto the bed his hand exploring her familiar side and the tantalizing space just beneath the ridge of her bra. Addison felt his body weight move onto her, all the time relishing the kisses that made everything ok.

"No" she said suddenly as she began to rise underneath him.

"Shh" Sam replied as he continued to kiss her. "Just tonight"

"No" Addison said, her words more resolute and her physical objection strong enough to make him retreat "we can't Sam. We can't"

Sam quickly moved away from her and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. The rejection stung him he knew it would make them both forget he just wanted one night, one night of them before she moved out of his grasp, before she started a new life without him. He edged towards the bed in order to leave.

"Stay," Addison said as she grabbed his wrist. "Stay with me tonight, please don't be alone."

Sam didn't have the strength to resist, he needed her, tonight more than any other, he needed her and so he lay down next to her and closed his eyes.


	7. Changes

**Chapter Seven: Changes**

"A penny for your thoughts" Naomi said light-heartedly as she entered the kitchen at Oceanside Wellness and saw Amelia staring into space.

"What?" Amelia replied, startled out of her thoughts by Naomi's words.

Naomi followed Amelia's gaze to the board room where Addison was sitting staring into the bottom of a coffee cup.

"Oh," Naomi said knowingly "more Addison drama" her words weren't sinister but were filled with experience.

"She's just….things are changing that's all" Amelia struggled to explain, as much to herself as to Naomi.

"Things are always changing Amelia, that's how life works but we all cope with change in different ways and Addie, well, she doesn't always cope but she does survive" Naomi said with a hint of fondness.

"I just feel so helpless sometimes" Amelia confessed.

"Amelia, as someone who has dealt with Addison and her drama for many year let me give you some advice," Naomi smiled "Addison thrives on drama, she won't admit it but she does. She surrounds herself with drama to avoid dealing with what is real, what she feels, and it works, for a while it works and she manages to convince herself she is 'fine' but eventually it all falls apart, eventually she can't ignore it any longer and she is faced with a reality she doesn't know how to cope with and that is when she'll need you, when you'll be able to do something. Until then? Just hang on in there and let her know you'll be there."

Amelia nodded as Naomi's words seemed to make everything clearer.

"Thanks" Amelia said simply.

"You're welcome" Naomi replied simply. She exited the kitchen and thought back to all the times she had been in Amelia's position, all the times she had wished there was something she could do to help her friend but she had learnt the hard way, she had learnt that Addison was her own person and would only let herself need others when things were spiralling out of control. She felt a small tear form as she realised it wasn't her anymore, it wasn't her that picked Addie up, it wasn't her that was there. A surge of heat floated across her stomach as she thought of the past and all the things they had shared. She couldn't help feel that everything was changing and that it was her that was resisting and it was her that was scared.

* * *

><p>"Hi" Naomi said tentatively as she entered Addison's office.<p>

"Hey" Addison said softly with a tired and resigned tone.

"Do you have time….can we talk?" Naomi asked tentatively.

"Of course" Addison said kindly motioning towards the sofa "Is it a chocolate talk?" Addison asked with a smile.

"Mmm" Naomi nodded, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening.

"Ok" Addison said as she pulled a box of chocolates from her desk draw and headed towards the sofa and her friend.

"Maya got into Columbia" Naomi snivelled as she attempted to hold back the tears she knew were going to fall.

"Oh Nai" Addison said as she took her friend into her arms.

"My baby…" Naomi managed to say as an explanation for her sadness.

"I know," Addison soothed "but she's not a baby anymore Nai, she's a grown woman and she's more together than any of us!" Addison added to ease inject a little humour in to the situation.

"She is" Naomi laughed quietly "but Olivia will be so far away" Naomi said as the tears returned.

"You'll always be a part of their lives Nai, no distance will change that" Addison assured her, knowing Maya and Naomi were now closer than ever.

"Not even 7,000 miles?" Naomi asked tentatively.

"7,000 miles" Addison laughed "it's not that far Nai"

"It would be if I were in Africa" Naomi said as she sat up and looked at Addison.

"Africa?" Addison said, not sure if she understood what her friend was saying.

"There is just so much that needs doing out there Addison and when I was there well, it just put everything into perspective. Don't get me wrong I love the practice and I believe in what we do but there are people out there with nothing…" Naomi tried to explain.

Addison, unable to find the words to explain how Naomi's words made her feel pulled Naomi into a hug and held her friend as they both let tears roll down their cheeks.

"I'm leaving next week" Naomi said suddenly.

"Nai, why so soon, what about….?" Addison had a thousand rejections, not most the fact that she felt she and her friend had no time left.

"Because if I don't do it now I never will" Naomi said with a sniff.

Addison nodded, understanding Naomi's need to act whilst Maya and Olivia were moving too, whilst there wasn't a life for her to leave, to miss.

"Change is good Nai, moving on is good" Addison said cheerfully as she tried to assure her friend that she was doing the right thing.

"Change is good" Naomi repeated, as if saying the words aloud would make them come true.

"And there are always planes" Addison added "you'll be able to visit Maya and Olivia and we'll all come and visit you – try and keep Pete away from African medicine if you dare!"

"Yeh" Naomi smiled, amused by her friend's humour. "I'll miss you" Naomi said, her voice becoming unstable.

"I'll miss you too" Addison said as she placed her hand on Naomi's arm.

"And I'm sorry Addison, about the way I reacted to you and Sam, I'm sorry I…"

"It doesn't matter" Addison sad brushing Naomi's words aside "I'm sorry too, for the whole thing, for what it did to you and me, I'm sorry"

"It hasn't done anything to us," Naomi said softly "we're still us, just different."

"Sometimes I wonder what if we'd have done things differently if we could have seen the future back in med school, this future" Addison said, obviously something she had considered before.

"What? If we'd stayed in loveless marriages and stressful jobs?" Naomi replied.

"I don't know," Addison said truthfully and thoughtfully "If we'd spared each other pain, if we'd all spared each other pain, you, me, Derek, Sam…"

"I have to believe it was worth it" Naomi said decisively "I look at the practice, at Maya and at Olivia and I have to believe that it is all worth it"

Addison nodded, knowing that Naomi was right; that it was the pain and the mistakes that made them who they were.

"Addison, I know you don't want me to interfere, that you've made your mind up but as your friend, as your dear, best friend" Naomi began "I can't leave without telling you to talk to Sam, to try and come to a compromise, to try to work things out because you two are good for each other, you make him happy and I know he makes you happy" In the past it may have taken Naomi a lot to speak honestly to Addison about her relationship with Sam, to admit to herself that they were good together, that she was good for him but she had realised that it was just another change she had to get used to and it didn't change what had passed between her and Addison or her and Sam.

"Things are changing Nai, everywhere things are changing and me and Sam? I hope there is a change for us at some point but right now we're both going in different directions" Addison said, wanting to explain to her friend that it was not fear or uncertainty holding her back this time but clarity.

"Ok" Naomi said as she accepted Addison's explanation "just remember Addison, that you do deserve happiness"

"Thanks Nai" Addison said as the tears rolled down her face and she huddled closer to her friend.

* * *

><p>"There you are," Amelia said as Addison walked into her living room as the setting sun imprinted the shape of the window blinds onto the carpet "I made you dinner, it's in the oven."<p>

"Thanks" Addison said gratefully. Despite her innate ability to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and her sometimes over exuberant attempts at helping, Amelia was a good friend and she had always been there for Addison. As a child she had been the black sheep of the family, pushed away by Derek because she served as a painful reminder of the night he lost his Dad.

"I made Sam some too," Amelia said tentatively "but he's been sitting on the beach since I got back" she motioned towards the dimming evening "don't think it's me he'll want to talk to though"

Addison looked out of the patio windows and saw Sam's crouched figure sitting on the darkening beach.

"Addison, has something happened?" Amelia asked "I know it's none of my business but I couldn't help but notice he stayed over and…." Amelia was eager to help, to be there for her friend but knew that her reputation as a gossip went before her.

"Maya and Olivia are moving to New York" Addison said without taking her eyes off Sam.

"Oh" Amelia replied, needing no further explanation.

"and Naomi is moving to Africa" Addison added.

"Oh" this time Amelia gave the word more emphasis. "You should go talk to him Addie, as his friend you should go talk to him"

"I know," Addison replied "I just need a second to only be his friend"

Amelia nodded and placed a hand on Addison's arm, offering her friend the support and strength she knew she would need.

"Ok" Addison said in a voice that tried to display control and confidence. She crossed the living room and headed down to the beach, all the time telling herself that no matter how distraught he was, no matter how much he hurt she was his friend and he needed her to be there as his friend and nothing else.

"Hey," Addison said as she approached Sam and sat down on the sand beside him, leaving a measured distance between them "bit late for sunbathing."

"Why Addison?" Sam said, never breaking his stare with the ocean

"She'd growing up Sam, she did well to get into Columbia" Addison began to explain, although she knew Sam already knew how well his daughter had done.

"No Addison, why do I always lose the people I love, why?" Sam said, anger trying to hold back the tears he knew would fall.

"You're not losing anyone Sam," Addison soothed "Maya is starting her life, an exciting life and she'll need you there, she'll always need you Sam"

"And Naomi?" Sam asked "I pushed her away, I loved her Addison, I loved her and I pushed her away and now she's going half way across the world."

"I can't make you feel better about you and Naomi, Sam – what happened between you and her happened before I got here but what I do know is that Naomi loved you too and although at first she resisted the break she knows now that things were over between the two of you well before you asked for a divorce" Addison offered, trying to not to refer to any of the things Sam had told her about his relationship with Naomi when they were together – to mention anything he had told her then would bring them a step closer to more than friends and she knew she had to avoid it.

"And you?" Sam said, his voice almost a whisper

"Sam," Addison protested, not wanting to have a conversation about their relationship whilst he was feeling so upset and vulnerable.

"No Addison, don't avoid it. Admit it, I lost you too," Sam said, his voice determined and laced with sadness "if I'd been more for you, if I'd loved you more you'd still be here, there would have been nothing worth breaking us up – not even a baby"

"No Sam," Addison said firmly, she felt like shaking him, like showing him that what she was doing was about her, not about him, not about them but about her and it wasn't about love, it was about life and its fleeting pace.

"I should have loved you more Addison" Sam said, as if he hadn't heard a word she'd said "I should have loved you more" his voice was small now and notably taken over by tears.

Addison looked away from him as she felt a tear roll down her face, she cursed her heart for being so uncontrollable but the thought of Sam blaming himself for what had happened between them made her feel desperate. He was hurting and she didn't know how she could help him without holding him, without curling her body around his and holding him until the pain began to fade.

"I'm sorry" Addison said quickly as she pushed herself up from the sand and headed back towards the house, tears falling uncontrollably from her eyes. She silently cursed herself for not being able to help him without loving him.


	8. Family

**Chapter Eight: Family**

Addison reached to the back of her dress and swiftly and deftly pulled up the zip, making a seemingly difficult manoeuvre seem nothing more than the daily occurrence it was. She stopped for a second and looked at herself in the full length mirror, her hand slowly moved to her stomach as she thought about what the day held in store for her, today was the day; today was the day she became a mom. She quickly removed her hands from her stomach and shook her head, she knew better than to get her hopes up, better than to hope at all. It may not work, she reminded herself, as she slipped her feet into a pair of her favourite heels. She felt a pounding sensation pulse through her head as she sat down, she put it down to nerves, to anticipation, to wanting today, more than any other day, to turn out well. After slipping into her shoes she moved across to her bedside table and took a packet of painkillers from the draw, after popping the pill through its foil enclosure she chased it down with a gulp of water and headed out to start the day she knew could change her life forever, that she hoped would change her life forever.

* * *

><p>"Now Naomi's gone does that mean I get to be your birthing partner?" Amelia asked between mouthfuls of the salad she was consuming "I've always quite liked the look of those pre-natal classes" she added with a smile.<p>

"You'd better be there" Addison replied with a smile "I'm not going to those on my own with all the couples looking at me with sympathy in their eyes" her voice carried a hint of humour.

"We can be lesbian lovers" Amelia said in a mock suggestive voice.

"If we were lesbian lovers it'd be you having the baby Amelia" Addison said with a smile "seeing as you're young and fertile"

"Addie…" Amelia chastised her friend for her negative thoughts, all be them a joke "you're going to be a great mom" she said seriously. "Not as good an aunt as I'll be though" Amelia said with a mischievous glint in her eye.

Addison couldn't help but smile as she thought of Amelia playing 'aunt', despite the fact that Amelia had made some odd decisions in the past and had a reputation for being somewhat less than sensible, Addison knew she would love her baby and wouldn't do anything to hurt it.

"You'll be a great aunt" Addison smiled as she took a sip of her coffee, her headache was back again and she hoped the coffee would go some way to lessening its effects.

"Just as long as you're sure Addie, I mean it's a big step, a big commitment and doing it on your own, being a single parent it isn't going to be easy and…." Amelia began.

"Amelia, I know what I'm letting myself in for" Addison smiled, thankful for her friend's concern "I want this, I've always wanted this and, no, it isn't the way I imagined but very little is"

"As long as you know you're not alone," Amelia said softly as she touched Addison's hand across the table "we're all a family, right?" Amelia said, lightening the mood as she removed her hand from Addison's.

"We're family" Addison smiled in reply.

* * *

><p>"What are you doing tonight Coop?" Charlotte asked as she walked into Cooper's office, unannounced.<p>

"Why don't you tell me" Cooper said, a flirtatious smile spreading across his face as he wondered what his wife had in store for him.

"Ok," Charlotte said directly "you're going for a drink with Sam."

"Not what I was expecting" Cooper responded dryly.

"What were you expecting Copper?" Charlotte asked, enjoying teasing Cooper.

"Something more…." Cooper searched for the words to explain what he had envisaged "private"

"Well, it will just be you and Sam" Charlotte said, deliberately not understanding what Cooper was saying "private enough for ya'?" Charlotte smiled.

"Hmmm" Cooper replied as he smiled at Charlotte "and you are arranging my social life for me because?" Cooper asked as he moved towards his desk.

"because" Charlotte explained "Sam has had a hard week, Maya and Naomi preparing to leave and well, Addison's appointment this afternoon. He will need a friend"

"Is that this afternoon?" Cooper asked, annoyed with himself for having forgotten and not offering his friend support sooner.

"4:00 I think" Charlotte responded.

"Ok," Cooper replied, understanding Charlotte's reasons for wanting him to take Sam out, to be his friend and be there for him. "I'll ask him."

Cooper found Sam in his office, engrossed in his computer screen. He couldn't help but notice that Sam looked tired and drained, he looked at his friend and felt a pang of guilt in his heart as he realised how distant they'd been, that he barely knew about what had happened between Sam and Addison.

"Hey Sam" Cooper's voice startled Sam and he pressed his fingers against the bridge of his nose and lifted his head to look at Copper.

"Hey Coop" he said sleepily.

"You look like you could do with a beer" Cooper said truthfully.

"I don't really feel like…" Sam began to protest.

"One beer Sam, with a friend and then I will drive you home myself so you can sit at home alone and feel sorry for yourself." Cooper said as he tried to rally his friend.

"One beer" Sam responded with a sigh.

"Great" Cooper smiled "Meet you about 6.30?"

"Sure" Sam smiled, grateful for what his friend was trying to do, for the support he was offering.

* * *

><p>"No, that's fine" Addison said as she pressed her phone to her ear "I understand" she continued "7 is fine. Ok. Thank you Dr Vermesh." Addison said politely and as she ended the call and placed the phone on the passenger seat beside her. She sighed as she thought about how long she'd had to wait for this day, for the elusive 'right time' – a wait made longer by the fact that Dr Vermesh had been held up in a surgery and had been forced to push her appointment back to 7 o'clock. Addison took a deep breath and smiled as she took the keys out the ignition of her car and double checked the address of the house visit she was on, sure she'd got the right address she left the car and headed over to the house – a few hours more made very little difference to a lifetime of waiting.<p>

* * *

><p>"Bars really aren't the same once you're married" Cooper said with a smile as he placed two bottles of beer on the table he and Sam were sat at.<p>

"Lots of things aren't the same when you're married Coop" Sam replied with a smile as he picked up the bottle and took a short swig.

"No," Cooper agreed with a smile "but it's the things that matter that endure Sam, the things that are there regardless of a ring and a wedding service. The things that are there because you love each other" Copper's voice grew more serious as he welcomed the chance to talk to his friend in a way that he had not had the opportunity to in a while.

"Love endures" Sam agreed with a nod "but love and marriage aren't the same thing. Marriage takes work and sometimes that work, that effort, it kills the love, or at least it causes it to get lost in the pain."

"Is that how it was for you and Naomi?" Cooper asked as he sipped his drink "making it work took so much effort that you didn't have time to love each other?" Cooper had never spoken to Sam so frankly about his relationship with Naomi but now he was in a place where he could understand what Sam had been through.

Sam shook his head as he swallowed a large mouthful of beer "No. With Nai and me the love went first, we grew up, we grew apart and the love we once had wasn't there anymore, not in the way we needed it to be to keep each other happy. The only difference was that I, perhaps selfishly, didn't want to try to make the effort, I knew how I felt and I knew that without love there was no point us being together, that it would be wrong for us to be together."

"But you did love her once?" Cooper asked, looking for assurance "when you guys got together you loved each other?"

"We loved each other," Sam said definitely "and we worked so well together, we fitted, we understood each other and we created so much good together; Maya, the Practice."

"and now?" Cooper asked, like a small boy enthralled in a story, hoping for a happy ending.

"and now it's all gone" Sam said simply as he swigged his beer "now Naomi is going to Africa and Maya is leaving for college and I'm still here, still the sam, except this time I'm alone."

"You're not alone Sam," Cooper said with a laugh as he tried to downplay the emotion filled atmosphere between them. "we're all still here too."

"Hmm" Sam responded as he too tried to alleviate the heady atmosphere between them.

"Ok," Cooper said as he straightened himself in his seat and cleared his throat "ok Sam, we're here, we're pouring our hearts out like a pair of girls so I'm just going to come right and talk about it. Addison's insemination was today."

"Yep" Sam's light tone did little mask his real feelings.

"I know I've not exactly been the greatest friend since everything with Charlotte," Cooper apologised "and I don't know exactly what has happened between you two but you risked so much Sam, you and Addison risked so much to be together and now…."

"and now Addison is having another man's baby" Sam finished Cooper's sentence for him. "Addison wants a baby and I…." Sam looked to his feet as he faltered.

"You what Sam?" Cooper questioned, feeling that his friend was holding back "You what? You don't want another child? You don't want Addison? What?" Copper pushed.

"I'm scared" Sam said coldly "I'm scared."

"Of commitment?" Cooper felt he was getting closer to the root of the problem Sam was struggling with but he knew there was more to his friend's feelings than he understood.

"Of watching the seconds crawl by, of pacing the hallway wishing I could turn back time, of wanting to do more, of feeling helpless, of knowing that in a second everything could change, that everything could be broken" Sam's words flowed with anger and frustration.

"Maya," Cooper said simply as if he had just cracked a riddle "this is about what happened to Maya, about the accident."

"It's about every accident Maya ever had, it's about every time Olivia has a cold or cries in the night" Sam's voice showed the torment his mind was struggling with.

"Sam, what happened to Maya was terrible, what happened to Dell was terrible but you can't let it stop you living your life." Cooper explained softly.

"Addison is so excited about being a parent," Sam explained "since we were in med school she has wanted a child and she has always been waiting for the right time, for the right man. She deserves the right man."

"You are the right man Sam" Cooper said sincerely.

"Addison needs support and assurance" Sam stated "not indecision and confusion and anxiety. Every time our child went out I'd be worried about the phone ringing, about it all happening again."

"and you didn't do that with Maya?" Cooper questioned although he already knew the answer "of course you did Sam" he answered his question without giving Sam the chance to respond "you worry because you're a good parent Sam, not a bad one."

"I just don't know if I can do it Cooper, Addison wants a baby so badly and I know just getting pregnant is going to be challenge and I don't know if I can sit and watch people I love being hurt anymore." Sam felt relieved to finally be sharing his feelings with someone else.

"Then don't watch Sam, be there, support her, love her" Cooper urged.

Sam exhaled deeply as the relief he felt was replaced by renewed pain. "It's too late" he said solemnly.

"Sam do you love her?" Cooper said in a hard voice as he tried to talk sense into his friend.

"Yes" Sam replied.

"Then it's not too late," Cooper stated.

Sam looked at his watch; 9.00pm – Addison would be pregnant by now, she'd be carrying another man's child.

"The insemination doesn't matter Sam," Cooper said as he read the expression on Sam's face "parenting isn't about genes, you know that."

Sam nodded, understanding what Cooper was saying – parenting was about love not biology. He had confronted his daemons, he had finally admitted the reason he had pushed Addison away, the reason he had lost the best thing in his life. He needed to talk to her, to tell her how he felt, that he was ready to be there for her, for her and her child, their child, their family.

"Come on," Cooper said grabbing his jacket "let's get you a cab, you've got some talking to do."

"I have," Sam said taking a deep breath. "Thanks Coop" Sam smiled as he put a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Enough of the girly stuff Bennet," Cooper smiled as they walked towards the door "you'll have me carrying your handbag next."

Sam laughed at his friend's joke, no matter what they had been through, no matter what happened at the Practice he knew he could always rely on his friends; on his family.


	9. Out  of the darkness, into the light

**Chapter Nine: Out of the darkness, into the light. **

Sam felt the lingering alcohol dance around his mouth as he stepped out of the cab and handed the driver enough notes to cover the fare. The car swiftly pulled away and the sound of the engine soon dissipated into the night, leaving only darkness between Sam and his future. He took a deep breath and prepared himself for the changes he was about to make to his life, to the life he was about to reclaim. As he slowly pushed the gate open to let himself onto Addison's deck he caught the site of her settling into the lounger nearest to him. Stepping backwards into the shadows he allowed himself a moment of voyeurism, a moment to take in the woman that had taught him so much about himself, a woman that, what seemed like only moments ago, he had resigned himself to only ever being able to dream about, the woman he loved. His eyes traced the body he knew so well, the body he had held so many times and the body that now cradled the baby he knew he could love as his own. Throwing his shoulders back and striding purposefully he left the shadows and stepped towards the life he knew they both deserved.

"Addison" his voice shook a little as he moved towards her.

"Sam, I'm tired I….can we do…" Addison's voice was quiet and distant but Sam barely heard what she said, he needed to say what he had been holding back for too long.

"Addison, just listen," he said as he stood in front of her. "I'm sorry" he began, the inadequacy of his words frustrated him slightly "for what has happened between us in the last few weeks, I'm sorry" he explained himself. "I didn't mean the things I said, about you being selfish, I didn't mean it I just….I….I didn't know how to cope with how I was feeling" his words became more articulate as he spoke. "You were moving so fast, you knew where you were going and all the time I felt like I was stuck in the past, like we weren't in the same place. Every time I thought about having a baby with you I was right back in the hospital silently willing you to save Maya and Olivia, waiting for everything to be ok, waiting to wake up, waiting to breathe again."

A silence fell as the words hung in the air between them.

"Sam I…" Addison began as she sat up in order to move closer to Sam.

"Addison I love you," Sam interrupted her "We're good together." Sam said quietly as their bodies automatically moved closer together and Sam took Addison's hand in his.

"We're good together" Addison repeated as she put her forehead against Sam's.

Sam's hand began to dance around Addison's delicate fingers as he traced their outline, finding them identical to when he had left them.

"I'm scared," Sam admitted quietly as their cheeks brushed each other and they both welcomed the one another's soft skin on theirs. "I'm scared of letting our baby out of my sight, of sitting in the hospital in nine months time hoping for a miracle, of letting you out of my sight."

"I'm scared too," Addison admitted, her voice watery.

"I want you Addison, I want us," Sam said confidently as he broke the contact between them and sat to face Addison "and I want our baby, this baby" he smiled slightly as he touched her stomach.

Addison's happiness was laced with pain as Sam's words entered her heart.

"I'm not pregnant Sam" she said with a sad simplicity.

"Don't say that baby," Sam said with optimism as he rubbed the length of Addison's leg "these things take time, you can't know yet."

"I'm not pregnant Sam," Addison repeated, making her words more definitive this time "I wasn't inseminated. I'm not pregnant."

Sam's confused face begged for further explanation.

"I had a temperature, I've had a headache all day and….and…" Addison's words dissolved as tears of frustration began to run down her face.

"Shh," Sam soothed as he climbed onto the lounger next to her and pulled her towards him and held her "it's ok," he assured her "it's ok."

"I just want a baby Sam," Addison sobbed into Sam's chest "I just want to be a parent."

"and you will," Sam assured her "we will" he added, as he bent down to kiss her head "we'll go and see Dr Vermesh together, ok?" Sam waited for her response and when it didn't come he gently took her arms and lifted her from his chest to look at him. "Ok?"

"Ok" she answered with a watery smile.

"We'll have a baby Addison, our baby, together," Sam assured her "I promise."

Addison let herself fall back into his arms and for the first time in weeks she felt her heart slow and beat peacefully as she relaxed and enjoyed the support Sam's body gave her. Her life was so unpredictable – this morning she had woken up ready to be a single mother and now here she was ending it planning a family with the man she loved, the man she thought she had lost. She nestled closer to Sam as she vowed that, no matter what happened, what life threw their way, she would never allow them to move apart again.

"I love you too" Addison whispered into the darkness as she interlaced her fingers with Sam's.


End file.
